the missing piece

 

I. LOVE. THIS. BABY.

I send texts to Dave randomly and often just saying "I LOVE THIS BABY".  I don't usually tell him which of my babies I'm referring to, sometimes I'm referring to one, some or all, but I LOVE THEM.  I tell them and I don't know if they hear me.  I feel like expressing my emotions with words, even pleasant words, sometimes degrades the magnitude of the emotion I'm trying to express. 

Dave and I very consciously chose to have each of our children.  With David we didn't think it would happen.... with Fiona we figured we'd "see what happened"... but with Mary Elizabeth we felt like there was a person missing... so we tried and a week later she was on her way.  We initially thought we were missing John Henry, but that became a really weird name when we realized he didn't have a weiner... but she is the sweetest little baby.

My girlfriend has a daughter, almost 2 years old, and she's thinking of trying for another baby.  Somehow it came up in conversation (and I think it's a concern that all mothers of a first child struggle with), how can you love a child as much or more than your first?!  I could never put it into words until I said it out loud... "It's amazing, but you love each one individually as if they're your only one."  One of the things I loved/love about Fiona was that she brought out the sweetest things in David which made me love him more.  And before Dave and I thought a third baby was an option, I really thought I did not like having an infant.  When David was an infant I was pregnant and when Fiona was an infant I had a toddler; it was hard and overwhelming and I shed a lot of tears while taking care of infants.

While I was pregnant with Mary Elizabeth I would openly tell people how much I was dreading having an infant (just to clarify: I did not dread having a baby, I dreading having a helpless new infant).  David and Fiona became much easier when they became a little more independent.  With an infant, you are their everything; you are their every body part, every movement, every everything.  But Mary Elizabeth helps me remember the best things about David and Fiona as infants. 

David was premature, so he was so little, we brought him home at 5 lbs 3 oz.  We had to watch his bilirubin, so I'd lay him naked in front of a window on my bed to get the sunlight.  He was SO SMALL.  The saying is true: you forget how small they are.  I loved that his whole leg fit in my hand.  David was the last baby my PopPop held and I remember him laughing saying how his whole body fit in the palm of his hand. ... See where this baby takes me?!  She's small, she's now in the 6% for weight, but I love that she's small because it makes me feel like I have more time with her and it gives me a minute with David again.  Not that I want her to be unhealthy, but she's just a small baby and I love her, all the little itty bitty parts of her.  Dave and I always tell her how big she's getting and now David does too.  This morning David said "look at those big legs!"  Her legs are like bones with a little bit of chicken fat wrapped around them... She's four months and weighs in at almost 11 lbs now... she's huge :)


She has this smell about her.  She drools a lot, but not as much as Fiona did, which I totally forgot about until M.E. woke up one day smelling like my first baby girl... it's like smelly feet and milk... not sour milk, but maybe sourdough bread or something, with a splash of something sweet.... I know that's the worst description ever, which is why it's about damn time someone invented some kind of smell-ivision... I guess it would be telesmell... but it reminds me of Fiona.  The first time I smelled it on M.E. it reminded me that I had nicknamed Fiona "Stink" when she was an infant.  She had this crazy little stink about her and I loved it.  Smelling it again on M.E. was like smelling crayons...suddenly it teleports you right back to your first day of school... it was as if I had gone back and had a few more seconds with Fiona as an infant.

Even though it's the same little stink Fiona had, it feels like the smell is distinctly hers.... I just want to remember it... I feel like I should keep some formula on hand for the rest of my life and when necessary just swoosh it around in my mouth and spit it out on a onesie and see if it has the same effect. 

Sometimes I just sit and smell her... she's so cute.  When I kiss her little cheeks she tries to eat my face like a tiny attack dog in slow motion.  She looks at David and Fiona like she's known them forever... as if to say "Hey guys!  Do you believe I'm finally here?! Isn't this great!  Let's play!"  Her expression when either one of my other kids starts talking to her reminds me of Olaf from Frozen... she's just so excited to be near them... The way she and Fiona interact amazes me.  I don't have a sister, but it's like they understand each other and have this life-long bond... like they're soulmates.  The first time the baby "talked" it was because Fiona told her to.. "Tah, Beh bee, tah". 

After a lot of body awareness talk with Fiona, I put together that the baby would stop crying during diaper changes if I held her hands and feet together.. helping her to feel safe in fetal position.  The kids would help me hold her hands while I changed her diaper.... they just love her... like they'd do anything for her... and she loves them!  David says hello to her and her face lights up like he just told her the most exciting story ever... if she could speak it'd be like she was saying "Wow, David, that's amaaaaazing!"  There's this amazing and undeniable bond between them... She makes them feel so happy and so confident and so important... and all she's really done so far is exist! haha.  omg, I LOVE THIS BABY.  I prayed that she'd breathe and I prayed that she'd move, I knew she'd be a great addition... but she's so much more ... she was the missing piece.