The other day someone had "shared" an article on facebook. It was about what really goes on in a mother's mind and throughout the article I thought, I don't even have time to think about that. Today is a typical "day off" for me. A "day off" is a day that I don't have to take anyone to therapy, school, the doctor, the dentist, or any other mandatory obligation requiring me to leave the house, and naturally a "mandatory obligation" is only inclusive of appointments in which someone else is expecting me/us to arrive; it does not include the empty carton of formula that needs to be replaced by tomorrow before my infant child will be hungry or the empty milk container in my refrigerator that requires replacement before my toddlers will be crying. So besides the obligation to nourish my children, I have a "day off" today... no dots are present on this day in my iphone calendar. So here's how my "day off" is going so far:
02:12 David wakes up screaming "Mommmyyy!!!" --bad dream, thought a bat was in his closet (traumatized from the previous family of bats that were occupying our attic when we moved in and when the exterminator prematurely locked up their entryway, they exited through our vents via Fiona's bedroom and our living room...more on that later)
Pick David up out of his bed and make a quick exit before determining it actually was just a bad dream. Daddy confirms that there are no bats. Fiona is now crying "..mommy, 'care". Fiona's now also scared. I take David into Fiona's room and we all go to sleep together in Fiona's double bed. I start drifting off, "mommy?" "Yes, David?" "I need my pillow and I can't go back into my room, but I really like my pillow." Out of bed, get the pillow, at least now I can actually get a pillow to use myself, back in bed. Somehow, despite their small figures, I am forced to sleep on the very tippy edge of the bed and wake up when I cannot feel my hands. Despite tingling hands, I manage to push myself up from the bed and attempt to retreat. "Mommy, where are you going?" oh my god, why isn't he asleep? "David, I have to go in my bed; there's not enough room for all of us here and I need to get some sleep." He's getting upset, "But I'm going to have another bad dream!" Fiona's awake... here we go again. "David, go in my bed and sleep with Daddy, I'll stay here. Runs through the hall. "Fiona, go to sleep." She starts her Doc McStuffins check up which of course calls for her sticking her finger in my eye "uh hunh!"... and then up my nose "uh hunh!"... in my mouth, "Fiona, stop it." never listens. Now she's trying to move my head to get to my ears "Fiona! Go to sleep!" I'm forced to turn the other way, despite my body desperately wanting to sleep on my right side, sorry Body, it's either 5 hours of a check up and intermittent conversation or sleep... left side it is.
The sun is up, I almost forgot where I was but the blunt force trauma I just got to the back reminds me that I'm in Fiona's room. I turn around and David is staring at me with his cup hanging out of his mouth and rubbing his taggie on his face. Through his cup "Mom, ob nod afway ...." Hardly awake enough to speak I struggle to get it out "David, get the cup out of your mouth when you're talking to me" "Mom, I'm not afraid of the bats anymore." Great. I start drifting off again. The gate is up at the door so Fiona can't escape and somehow the baby is still sleeping... thank god for that baby... such a good baby... I'm not a terrible mom if I surrender to my need to get a little more sleep. Fiona is now climbing over me. The kids start playing with the dollhouse in Fiona's room. The phone rings, it must be Michele, it's definitely not a collector of any kind because I've paid all of my bills to date, which reminds me, this potty training thing better start being more consistent because I seriously don't want to put out more money for Fiona's diapers and maybe I'll have to put Mary Elizabeth (M.E.) in cloth diapers until the next paycheck. They feel better anyway, so I'll have to do laundry more often. Will that even be possible? As Tim Gunn would say, "make it work." Cloth diapers it is... but I can't avoid formula. $50 for 2 weeks of formula at BJs, can I go to BJs and only spend $50? I do need papertowels, that's $24... so $74 on formula and papertowels, oh my god, this is ridiculous. Whatever. "David, go get the phone" yep, it's Michele. "Hello?" "Are you alright?" "Are YOU alright?!" She laughs which wakes me up a little. The baby's awake. "What time is it?" "9:35" What a great little baby. Get the baby, change the baby, put her in the boppy. Getting out the formula. "Mommy, Muh" "I'll get you milk, Fiona. Give me a sec." "Mommy, can you get me some milk, too?" "Yes, David, please go in the other room and give me a minute. As soon as I'm done getting the baby her bottle, I will bring you in some milk." Baby's now screaming, Fiona's crying, David's running, Molly (our dog) is crying...chaos... who would have thought that chaos could ensue before one could pour 3 drinks?! Let the dog out, get the bottle, got the milk, wash fruit, deliver fruit for breakfast. made a cup of coffee, I ran out of coffee and haven't had it in a few days. I didn't want to spend the money on coffee, but after not having it, I realized how much I like it, this was a good investment after all. Ok, I will indulge in a cup of coffee. Get some morsels, got my coffee, sit down. Hang up with Michele. The kids need baths, I need a shower, but I'm staying in this robe and I'm watching Kathie Lee and Hoda; I record it every day and rarely get to watch it. It's 11:05. Play. "It's Friday, try-day here.." "Mom, can you get me some hot chocolate?" Pause. No. I just got this kid milk. "can you put a movie on for us?" I usually don't let them watch TV during the day, but today is an exception, I want to watch Kathie Lee and Hoda. Shrek WILL see the daylight today. Set down my coffee, the baby is fine in her boppy, she's burped and done eating. Go in the other room, can't turn the movie on until I find the remote and naturally that is somewhere under the 24 puzzle pieces Fiona dumped out before dumping out two bins-worth of jewelry and hair accessories. "David, we can't turn the movie on until we clean this up and find the remote." I'm too exhausted to even get upset over the fact that I clean the same mess up 800 times a day or have to put my husband's shoes on the steps because despite asking him 9 million times to take his shoes upstairs at night, daddy's shoes are on the floor...naturally, that makes it ok for David to leave his "work boots" on the floor... I hate those boots, he looks like a little punk in those boots. "David, go put your boots on the steps." Fiona goes potty "GOOD GIRL!!!" Clean out the potty, back to cleaning up. Find the remote; thank God because if I had to listen to the same song one more time I was going to throw the tv off the shelf. Play. Put up the gate hoping to restrain "the animals." Go back to KL & Hoda, now it's a screen-saver, play. "FIONA! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" water. all over the floor. David was pretending the gate was a lemonade stand and go figure, Fiona spilled the "lemonade" he had resting on the "counter" aka the top of the gate, which is only 1" wide. papertowels. last roll of paper towels. yep, thank you for the reminder that I need to get paper towels, and formula... hopefully BJs will have coupons. gate down, clean up the water. KL & Hoda. Rewind. Play. Coffee. "Mom, can you button this for me?" He's in his spiderman costume. coffee down. "sure." Now he wants to talk to the baby. "David, I can't hear this. Can I please watch my show today? Please? If you watch your movie at the same time I watch my show, it won't take too long and then we can play." Fiona came in, she found a pair of David's sunglasses sitting on the ottoman, glasses get caught on the handle of my coffee mug...you all know where this is going... but you may not realize that the boppy holding the baby is next to the ottoman, so of course the baby gets covered in the coffee... David is worried the baby is hurt and panics... oh, don't worry David, despite the fact that the mug was mostly full, the coffee was not hot... it hasn't been hot for about an hour now! The time on the Today show is 10:04, the actual time is now 11:34. Clean up the coffee, change the baby, baby projectile vomits on the floor, exactly where I just cleaned up the coffee. Clean up the throw up, clean up the baby, lay the baby down, come downstairs and put the animals back in front of their tv. Speaking of animals, Molly starts crying, I forgot her outside. But I've had to go to the bathroom, and now I'm seriously about to pee my pants. I open the door and of course Molly is trapped around the damn bush Dave just planted in front of the house, DAMN BUSH. I can't go out there, I'm in my robe that shrunk in the wash, if I unclip Molly, the neighborhood will know I wear men's boxerbriefs. UGH. "David, can you please go outside and get Molly, I have to go to the bathroom!" "But I don't have shoes on!" "I'll get you shoes" Go to David's room. Where are his damn flip flops?! Throw down an old pair of crocs from last year. "These don't fit!" Like I'm stupid, and didn't know. "David, just slip them on for a second to let Molly in" "But will they hurt my feet?" I'm now on the toilet. Exasperated, "David, forget it. Just forget it. I'll get her." Down the steps, the door is open, David is outside trying to guide Molly around the bush like a circus animal and its trainer. "David, just take her off the lead and then untangle the lead. Molly, in. Get in your crate." Otherwise her dirty paws will be wiped on my white couch... yes it's white... thank you Ikea for providing a young family with an affordable couch, but why does white have to be your most attractive option?... white it is and clean it will be. Dog is in, David is in. Make a new cup of coffee. "Fiona! You did it!" I go into the back room to find that Fiona has peed on the potty again. I wipe Fiona, we wash our hands and I forgot to empty the potty. Go back to get my coffee. Sit down, rewind, play. Today show time 10:06, actual time 12:04. Take a sip of my coffee. "Mom, guess what! Fiona dumped out her pee pee!" She had done this once before, but dumped it on the floor directly next to the potty, so naturally I stand up to go back to investigate. Fiona is standing in the kitchen wearing the potty on her head, yes that's right, the potty that my 3-year-old apparently just "cleaned out" is on top of her head. But she actually dumped the pee pee from the potty into the toilet... am I proud as David thinks I should be? I don't know. Should I be? After all her occupational therapy and sensory stimulation and physical therapy, she peed and then she manipulated her fingers, grasped the bowl, dumped it accurately into the toilet and still remained stable enough to raise her arms holding the potty and placed it on her head. Which reminds me, the potty. is on. her. head. oh my god. KL & Hoda, I wish we could be friends, but I give up. Suddenly, I wish someone had school or therapy or a doctor's appointment or SOMETHING, ANYTHING!
My husband often tells me he's not a mind reader, well here's some mind-reading material for you, dear. By the time you get to this point, you should know that by the time you get home from the vacation you call "work" I'm not talking to you because I'm too exhausted and emotionally drained to muster up a single original thought. So no, it actually has nothing to do with you... or me for that matter... because the second cup of coffee I boldly decided to make myself is still full. There is no need to argue over whether the glass is half empty or half full in this house, because the cup is always full... not half-way full, whole-way full, because as much as my day has nothing to do with you, Dear, it has nothing to do with me either.
Forgive me, Kathie Lee and Hoda... hopefully we will spend time together before one of you retires.
