So I'm a huge fan of Oprah. I know that some people can't stand her, but here's what I love about her: despite her success and huge financial gain in this life... she constantly humbles herself to others. She seeks advice. She's always digging deeper. I love her new series Lifeclass and Masterclass; I DVR every episode and every once in a while I'll check back and find something that suits my mood. The other day I watched her Lifeclass with Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life . Every time I have lunch with Oprah I'm inspired.
I never really liked to read as a kid, but as I got older I found that I actually loved it. I mostly choose not to read because it becomes like an addiction. But I do believe that books find me. I've always believed that. So it wasn't so coincidental that in starting to pack a couple of weeks ago I noticed that Dave had The Purpose Driven Life in his bookshelf (It was a gift from his aunt, I noticed that the spine was still in perfect condition). So when I looked through my DVR last week in search of inspiration, of course I chose to watch this particular episode of Lifeclass.
I wasn't going to read it right away because I have to be in the right frame of mind; I have to know the time is right. Well after yesterday's rant I figured, now is a good time to search for peace. That's what I'm really looking for right now: Peace. I went to church yesterday and was moved, but it wasn't totally satisfactory. Then I went in search of an Italian hoagie, which was satisfying, but still not what I needed. I also purchased a six pack of malt liquor... I couldn't bring myself to drink more than two, I've gotten into trouble with that before and trouble is definitely NOT what I need right now. So... today, I started reading The Purpose Driven Life.
It says to read with friends, so if anyone's interested, want to read it with me? It's a 40-day "commitment". It has short chapters and you're urged to limit your reading to only one chapter a day.
The question to consider today (from chapter one) is "In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?" In all honesty, it's very hard for me to think about living totally and completely for God... immediately I think about nuns and priests... I'm not perfect, and although I don't want to say "I can't do it", I definitely don't want to say "I won't do it". But I know I've come closer to the concept because motherhood was the splash of cold water on my face.
The first chapter starts with "It's not about you." Love it already. In my early twenties, I used to say "this is my world, you're just living in it." But I remember very distinctly the exact moment in time that all of that changed:
I was 34 weeks pregnant when I woke up in the middle of the night with a very sharp pain in my back. Having experienced the pain of a kidney infection, I knew that that was the spot, that that was the pain, I figured it was for sure a kidney infection. My doctor told me to come into the hospital right away (It was early Saturday morning). It wasn't a kidney infection, but six days later the pain was just as strong as it had been when I went into the hospital and yet there were no signs of any problems.
Because there was no knowing when I'd be out of the hospital, I told Dave to go to work and carry on with his daily life. Thursday night I went to the bathroom and something was just different. I told my nurse that I thought my water had broken. She said that it was probably just hormones. After the shift change, I told my new nurse that I thought my water had broken the night before. Sure enough, it had. It was about 5:30 in the morning. I called Dave and said, "The baby's coming! Take your time, it'll be awhile."
I wasn't scared. I was calm. I was awaiting this beautiful experience. I couldn't wait to hold my child who I had dreamed about for the longest time. A few minutes after hanging up with Dave, the nurse came running into the room. Behind her was the resident doctor, and about ten others. They weren't panicked but they had an urgency about them. It was like controlled chaos. I thought they had the wrong room. I was so confused... I felt fine! I didn't know what was happening.
The nurse told me that the baby was in distress and that they had to take me in for an emergency
C-section. My heart started pounding; I was getting upset. My family wasn't there, my doctor wasn't there. I had never considered that we might lose the baby... and I never considered that I'd be there alone. All these thoughts were going through my head when all of a sudden my nurse demanded my attention. Calmly, but with a sense of urgency, she said, "Honey, you need to breathe; this baby needs oxygen."
I realized that in all of the things that I had done in my life, every achievement and every experience meant nothing if I failed this child in this moment; I knew that I was the only chance he had at surviving. I understood in that moment the magnitude of my role as a mother. "Life or death" was real. Choosing to calm down came over me like a business decision. I started to breathe as deeply as I could. And the first thing I thought to tell myself was "This world is not about you anymore...It's time to breathe."
Life never meant so much to me. To know that the very oxygen I was inhaling was life for someone else. I know what living for someone else means, but am I living for God? Who is living for God? I need to talk to them. I feel like living for God is a choice and if you're living for God you must know it. Lately I feel like I doubt myself so much, but maybe that's part of the journey. Maybe that's a sign that I'm on my way. Maybe just knowing "It's not about you" is a good start.
