Today in Oprah's blog she said that "...when it comes to the big stuff---changing the world, giving not just when it's convenient but when it costs you---moms are the world-class champions."
I wonder how she can even say that after admitting her knowledge that her mother never wanted her. Anyway...
When I was pregnant with my son, my husband and I decided that if he were a girl we would name her Fiona Grace. Of course he was a boy, so when we found out a year later that we were having a little girl, it was known that her name would be Fiona Grace. Knowing her name while I was pregnant, without knowing her face, I envisioned a little blond-haired, blue-eyed Irish-Norwegian baby like my son. When she came out with a head full of black hair, I was beyond shocked and thought "where's Fiona?"
When I was in the third grade, I remember thinking that I didn't ever want to go to college. I wanted to get married when I was 18 and have a baby when I was 19. That was my plan: I was going to be a mom.
At 22, I was being interviewed for a great job, for which I did not meet all the requirements and during the interview I thought, "I was born to do this." I felt like there was nothing that I couldn't do. I got the job, but during the interview my future boss asked me how much I wanted to make and after I told him he said "why do you have so many limitations?" I didn't know what he meant, until I realized that if I had met my husband at 18, I would have gotten married and had a baby at 19. When I envisioned my adult self, I always pictured a mom, but I came to realize, that I was worth a college education, I was worth a 6-figure job, and now that I'm the mother I always wanted to be, I know I can do so much more. I know that I am a champion in the race to become this, but there's just something else I'm supposed to be.
Now that I've arrived to the place I'd always expected, I'm looking at myself wondering, "where am I?" and more importantly-- no...MOST importantly-- where is it that I'm supposed to be?
There's something more and I can't put my finger on it, but there's something inside me and I just feel like maybe if I keep writing, if I just keep getting it out, even when it doesn't make sense, maybe I'll get there. Maybe I'll finally reveal myself.
When I met my husband I knew I had found my destiny. The day my son was born, I knew he was my destiny. When Fiona came, disguised as a brunette, I thought "blond or not, that little girl is my destiny". There's something burning inside me and it's only unrecognizable on earth, but I know there's a plan, I know there's something else, and I just wish I could figure it out.
My therapist once said to me "I believe you could run the world." WHO SAYS THAT TO A 27-YR-OLD STAY-AT-HOME-MOM?!?!?! Unless, I'm so much more.
